


A Most Awkward Conversation

by adversarya



Category: Alice in Wonderland (2010), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005), Corpse Bride (2005), Edward Scissorhands (1990), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Sweeney Todd (2007)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 22:02:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/423748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adversarya/pseuds/adversarya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the many characters played by Johnny Depp over the years meet at an unexplained dinner party. Featuring Jack Sparrow, Sweeney Todd, Victor van Dort, Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, and the Mad Hatter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Most Awkward Conversation

It was a rather large table. Long and ovular, there were six places set, and all six were inhabited.

Now, in many ways they all looked shockingly similar- except for one, who looked like he was made out of clay.

The two who wore top-hats, a Mr. Willy Wonka and a Mr. Mad Hatter, were speaking animatedly, with lots of hand gestures and half-crazed looks. The words "chocolate", "tea party", and "hat" were brought up frequently .

Edward Scissorhands sat quietly, his eyes frantically darting about the room, as one of his scissors tapped on the table nervously. The same expression was plastered on the face of the one who looked like he was made out of clay, one Victor van Dort.

Mr. Sweeney Todd (formerly Benjamin Barker) was muttering a chant under his breath, a scowl on his face. He was examining his dinner knife, watching how it caught the light in different ways. The others were rather wary of him, and his neighbors had pushed their chairs away a good deal.

And finally, there was one man sitting at the head of the table, a look of disbelief and mild horror on his heavily tanned face. This was Captain Jack Sparrow, and he was not happy.

"Where in the world am I?" He roared, looking around in horror. He took a long drink from the pint glass in front of him without even checking the contents. Once the taste finally reached his tastebuds, he grimaced and spat back as much as he could, coughing as some of the vile liquid made its way down his windpipe. After slamming it back on the table loudly enough to gain the attention of all the others sitting at the table, he pointed a finger at the glass accusingly.

" _This,_ " he began, refering to the glass with evident disgust, "Is not rum!"

He looked around expectantly, waiting for an explanation, an apology of some sort, and, ideally, rum.No one said a word. 

(well, Sweeney muttered something unintellegeble, but it was much more related to wives and knives than rum)

Victor finally summoned up the courage. 

"I-I do, um, be-believe t-that is l-lemonade, sir." 

He wrung his hands together anxiously, his eyes flickering from Jack to the glass and back to Jack in nervous anticipation of his reaction.

"L-lemonade?"

Edward's voice took everyone by surprise, and they all turned to look at him in order to make sure their ears hadn't decieved them. Unfortunately, they discovered that, in addition to speaking, Edward had also turned a rather sickly shade of green.

Those sitting next to him grew extremely nervous at this discovery, shifting slightly away from Edward, fearing the the worst.

Before anything else could be said, dinner was served by a man who fit the stereotype of a butler to a tee.

Jack jumped up from his chair, knocking it over in the process, and staggered over to the serving man, putting an arm around his shoulders as if he was an old friend. If the serving man was surprised by this gesture, he hid it very well. 

"Good man, good man, where is the rum?" Jack inquired, trying and only partially succeeding to keep a smile on his face.

The serving man did not respond. In fact, he ignored Jack entirely. 

After putting a covered dish at each of the six place settings, (Jack on his heels like a needy dog all the while), the serving man left the room, closing and locking the door behind him

"Captain Jack Sparrow will not be ignored!", Jack shouted, pounding at the door. After continuing to pound for a few minutes with no sign of the serving man's return, he collapsed to his knees , heartbroken.

The remaining men took the lids off their plate, revealing piping hot meat pies.

Sweeney burst into song, his sentences broken by bouts of maniacal laughter.

"It's… fop. Finest in the shop. Or we have some Shepard's Pie peppered with… actual Shepard on top…. try actor, it's… compacter… but always arrives… overdone!"

After he finished, he violently stabbed his meat pie with a stake knife with a frightening smile on his face before returning to his previous, scowling state. He muttered "Lucy" and then released the knife, the blade remaining embedded in the pie. He then returned to his mumbling.

The Hatter gave him a hearty round of applause and a standing ovation.

"Bravo! Wonderful performance!" he complimented, earning a few incredulous stares, before calming down somewhat and returning to his seat.

"Let's eat now, shall we?" he finished, picking up his knife and fork and happily digging into the meat pie.

Wonka, Victor, and Edward remained silent and unmoving, scared of doing anything that could somehow set off the crazies in their midst.

Jack, oblivious to everything but his lack of rum, was banging his head against the door, not quite ready to come to terms with the absence of rum.

It would be an interesting dinner.


End file.
